Today is not a good day. It started pretty ok. The Chennai Super Kings won yesterday. It was a close win again, by the Duckworth Lewis method (which, I must say, I did not like too much till yesterday). We have practically one foot in the semifinals. I even slept well. Woke up in a good mood as well. Then it all started going downhill.
It's such a cliche to say that no one understands me, but that is honestly how I feel right now. Why does it become so wrong to want things which I have never had before? I hate the thought of a fantasy coming so close and then being snatched away without warning. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, but I honestly would rather not have loved at all than lose what I have. So close, so yet so far. I know none of this probably makes any sense, but I can't write about it without revealing things about the people closest to me. So I'd rather not. But I should think these self-same closest people should be the ones to realise what I want. And that it's not wrong for me to want what I do.
I wonder sometimes what it is I DO want. Not now, but as a larger picture. I guess the smaller things. Putham pudhu bhoomi vendum, mittam oru vaanam vendum, thanga mazhai peiya vendum, tamizhil kuyil paada vendum. But at the end of the day, I want everyone else wants. I want a good life. I want to have fantasies and I want them to turn into reality fully - otherwise they are better off being fantasies. I want a taste of the elusive that I have the fortune of glimpsing. And most of all I want my freedom - to make my choices, to make my mistakes, to make a success or failure of what I do.
