December 8, 2008

I am writing today after a really long time. Getting inspiration from a number of bloggers here I guess. And today I just want to get away from the other stuff... just for a few minutes... to think.

I must say this. I have made the right decision. Management studies is as interesting as it is important. And while I crib and crib about the workload and studies - this is the right thing for me. For a person who's got as many diverse interests as me, it keeps me going. It keeps me thinking. It makes me introspect. I love that. I feel so connected to myself when I am here. I recognise me for who I am - whether I like her or not, I see her for what she is. And that is the most important thing.

In many ways management is like a reflection of life. People keep writing about what they learn from their time here. I have a few things to share as well.

You're not the king of the world. You're just not. Yes, there are moments that feel like that - that everything you want is in your hands, but at every stage there is someone who knows more than you or better than you. And the latter is more important than the former. I have seen people here who can look at sums and solve them in their heads, or who can analyse and discuss things that would go above your head even if you were in the business. Heck, my dad can remember formulae from thirty years back better than I can remember them from yesterday's class! But that's where we come to the second point...

Like life, management is about coping with what you have. There is only so much you can understand. There is only so much you like. There is only so much energy or so much time you have. Life is about dealing with all of that. So is management. And the comparison is not with others (despite relative grading or survival of the fittest or whatever). This is YOUR fight. YOUR game. The only competition is you. It is all about consistent improvement (operations concept :P but true).

But more than anything else, life (and management) is about a prayer I learnt in 10th standard. It is about having the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change what I can - and the wisdom to know the difference. And that's really what it is all about.

Change...

It's hard to define what it is exactly. They say Change (with a capital C!) is the most permanent thing - but sometimes things are better off just being as they are. The IPL got over yesterday. I have to change my usual programme for the evening now. What was I doing in the evenings before it started??? I can't even remember now!!!

I am going through some huge changes in my life at the moment. I am quitting a job I like very much, leaving people who I really love and respect here, and worst of all, leaving the safety net of home and family to go back out into the big, bad world. And no matter how much I crack jokes about how I'm going to miss the home theatre and 40 inch LCD TV the most - the fact of the matter is I love my family. I love living at home with my family. I love my room, no matter how cluttered. I love troubling Akil by going to his room in the night and trying to find ways to get the computer from him. I love snuggling close to Amma while watching TV and fighting over what to watch on TV. I love watching Thatha and Patti argue while having lunch or dinner together. I love the way Appa and I fight over things but end up discussing things. It's scary also to realise that when I finish studying in two years' time, I might be married off or something, which would mean that I would again not be with them. Which means this might be the last time I am living with them proper. Also Akil is off to the US. No matter how close it's difficult to coordinate time zones and so on. And I love him so much. He's the most important person in my life. To top it all I am quitting a job which gave me security and a healthy bank balance. To go study. Am I capable of the seriousness and effort and hard work I need to get through these two years? I am determined to do well - one experience with bad marks is enough - but sometimes I feel I am not serious enough. Mine is a weird dilemma. One of a person who has achieved a goal and doesn't know what is beyond it. I have had getting into IIM as my goal for the last six years - and now that I have it - I'm confused. What is beyond this? What is MY goal beyond this? Getting a good job? What a lousy goal - or rather a lousy way to define it. Come on, everyone wants a good job! Doing something in music? I don't know... maybe. Or do I wait to see what comes my way?

I am at the beach. There is the ocean waiting in front of me and I am not sure what is beyond it. I'm not even thinking about that incidentally. All I know is that I'm standing at the edge of the sea. The waves are hitting me. One after one. And I deal with each one differently. Depending on their strength, on the way they are coming. Everytime I get hit by a wave something changes about me. But I can't anticipate the next wave till it actually hits me. I can see it coming but I can't judge it. Sometimes I think a particular wave is very strong and it turns out to be a damp squib (literally!). And then there is that gentle, mild looking one that gets you when you least expect it and knocks you over. I guess life is like the beach. Atleast to me. I react to what's happening to me, around me. Let's see what happens from now on.

May 19, 2008

Today is not a good day. It started pretty ok. The Chennai Super Kings won yesterday. It was a close win again, by the Duckworth Lewis method (which, I must say, I did not like too much till yesterday). We have practically one foot in the semifinals. I even slept well. Woke up in a good mood as well. Then it all started going downhill.

It's such a cliche to say that no one understands me, but that is honestly how I feel right now. Why does it become so wrong to want things which I have never had before? I hate the thought of a fantasy coming so close and then being snatched away without warning. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, but I honestly would rather not have loved at all than lose what I have. So close, so yet so far. I know none of this probably makes any sense, but I can't write about it without revealing things about the people closest to me. So I'd rather not. But I should think these self-same closest people should be the ones to realise what I want. And that it's not wrong for me to want what I do.

I wonder sometimes what it is I DO want. Not now, but as a larger picture. I guess the smaller things. Putham pudhu bhoomi vendum, mittam oru vaanam vendum, thanga mazhai peiya vendum, tamizhil kuyil paada vendum. But at the end of the day, I want everyone else wants. I want a good life. I want to have fantasies and I want them to turn into reality fully - otherwise they are better off being fantasies. I want a taste of the elusive that I have the fortune of glimpsing. And most of all I want my freedom - to make my choices, to make my mistakes, to make a success or failure of what I do.

I created this blog... well, because I want to write in it. How much I will I don't know - considering I am not a very good 'finisher' of things... but there it is. I have a medium in which to express myself. I don't even know if I'll ever share this with people. I am not a very nice person and I don't want people to read my thoughts and think about how weird or how crazy or how foolish I am. Because I am. And frankly, I am happy with that. I like to write and this satisfies my selfish needs. It even satisfies a competitive spirit in me that watches others writing and wants to write like them. As I said, I like writing. Some day may be I might even put up parts of my stories here. Just for the heck of it. To see if there are people other than my friends who like it. I'll probably cheat though and not put up my innermost thoughts here. They say that's what a blog is for - but then if I put all those thoughts here, what can I think of? I don't really want people judging me on those thoughts or actions - suffice to say they are not nice. I'm just here to write down random thoughts. Like this one.