Change...

It's hard to define what it is exactly. They say Change (with a capital C!) is the most permanent thing - but sometimes things are better off just being as they are. The IPL got over yesterday. I have to change my usual programme for the evening now. What was I doing in the evenings before it started??? I can't even remember now!!!

I am going through some huge changes in my life at the moment. I am quitting a job I like very much, leaving people who I really love and respect here, and worst of all, leaving the safety net of home and family to go back out into the big, bad world. And no matter how much I crack jokes about how I'm going to miss the home theatre and 40 inch LCD TV the most - the fact of the matter is I love my family. I love living at home with my family. I love my room, no matter how cluttered. I love troubling Akil by going to his room in the night and trying to find ways to get the computer from him. I love snuggling close to Amma while watching TV and fighting over what to watch on TV. I love watching Thatha and Patti argue while having lunch or dinner together. I love the way Appa and I fight over things but end up discussing things. It's scary also to realise that when I finish studying in two years' time, I might be married off or something, which would mean that I would again not be with them. Which means this might be the last time I am living with them proper. Also Akil is off to the US. No matter how close it's difficult to coordinate time zones and so on. And I love him so much. He's the most important person in my life. To top it all I am quitting a job which gave me security and a healthy bank balance. To go study. Am I capable of the seriousness and effort and hard work I need to get through these two years? I am determined to do well - one experience with bad marks is enough - but sometimes I feel I am not serious enough. Mine is a weird dilemma. One of a person who has achieved a goal and doesn't know what is beyond it. I have had getting into IIM as my goal for the last six years - and now that I have it - I'm confused. What is beyond this? What is MY goal beyond this? Getting a good job? What a lousy goal - or rather a lousy way to define it. Come on, everyone wants a good job! Doing something in music? I don't know... maybe. Or do I wait to see what comes my way?

I am at the beach. There is the ocean waiting in front of me and I am not sure what is beyond it. I'm not even thinking about that incidentally. All I know is that I'm standing at the edge of the sea. The waves are hitting me. One after one. And I deal with each one differently. Depending on their strength, on the way they are coming. Everytime I get hit by a wave something changes about me. But I can't anticipate the next wave till it actually hits me. I can see it coming but I can't judge it. Sometimes I think a particular wave is very strong and it turns out to be a damp squib (literally!). And then there is that gentle, mild looking one that gets you when you least expect it and knocks you over. I guess life is like the beach. Atleast to me. I react to what's happening to me, around me. Let's see what happens from now on.