Slipping through my fingers all the time...

Sometimes the smallest things can become the biggest memories that you carry with you. As time goes by here and I look back at everything - I just keep thinking about the amount of time I wasted on things which were not worth it. And I feel like I have wasted SO much. There is so much I could have done. People I could have spent so much more time with, if I had just realised who they were and what they are. And I still don't know them, still don't understand them. I just know that they are important in my life - and I will always carry memories of them - small memories which are so special, larger memories, but most of all the memory of the fact that I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do or that I planned to do with them.

I just want more time. I feel like it's just slipping away from me. And life is so unpredictable, it can change in an instant. I wish I could just go back and capture those moments when I thought I could have chosen one path and chose the other. And now I wish I had chosen the first one. Wish that the time was not running out on me like this. That we all didn't have other things and commitments that we had to live with. And that I could just gaze into a crystal ball and know what lay ahead of me in the future.

I am scared. I am scared to let go. People think I am strong, but I am not. I am an emotional wreck. And I am paranoid. Mostly about losing my friends. About being alone - or worse, lonely. And that's how I feel at times. Alone. And lonely. Even among people. I feel sometimes like I can't wait to get away from here. And at other times, I am scared. To lose people and friends. To lose this lovely place and the sunrise every morning that I get to see. And I know it's going away. People are going to go away. I feel like the upcoming 2 weeks are going to be so long. What am I going to do when it comes to going away forever?

I had time before. I didn't use it right. Didn't recognise the things I should have recognised before - the people I wanted to be with, the things I wanted to do. Didn't recognise the feelings I should have had, the kind of time I wasted over things which were unnecessary and unimportant. But this is important to me. I am tired of being lost. Tired of being dependent and addicted to things which I feel are beyond my control. Of being desperate and upset. And of time slipping through my fingers at the wrong time...

CB Blog 2 - What does it 'do' for you?!

Last time I wrote about how music can be used to give us the right ups and downs that we require. Most of music research actually goes into finding out how music generates emotions in people – what really ‘does’ it for them. Needless to say a lot of personal attributes make a lot of difference in this – the culture that we live in, our age and musical training to say the least – but music has some universal attributes as well that are able to generate some responses in us.

Some of the interesting research that’s been done on this topic has been on whether we react emotionally or cognitively to music. To put it simply – do we react to music unconsciously as part of our emotional make up or do we react to it because we recognise that this is ‘sad’ music or ‘happy’ music and then, through this thinking process, recognise that we need to accordingly feel sad or happy. Overwhelming evidence suggests that we react to music as an instinctive part of our nature, as a pure emotional response, rather than by thinking through it (which is something that we can all agree with, I suppose).

Similar research was done to find out if the melodies make more of a difference or lyrics. And it was found that in case of ‘happy’ music, the melodies caused emotional change, rather than the lyrics, while for ‘sad’ music, the lyrics actually reinforced the feelings that were experienced. But in all cases the melody made more of a difference than the lyrics (which I suppose is actually good for the Hindi film industry considering the modern lyrics!).

The social setting also makes a huge difference to how we perceive music. The best example could be the parties at K itself. As a person who doesn’t drink alcohol, I rely solely on the music to get me high, but it’s not just that – the whole atmosphere contributes to making non-drinkers feel (and look!) as high as drinkers, so much so that one cannot tell who has been drinking and who has not. (However drinkers never seem to understand how non-drinkers get so high!) We see something similar in rock concerts or even if we play music loudly enough. My personal experience is that at times like this, the music enters you, so much so that it kind of possesses you – you can feel it resonating inside you. And that gives you myriad emotions – some people cry, some just head-bang and others sway in rhythm.

But aside from all rules and research is the reaction of singers, or rather performers, to music. I honestly believe that we react to music at many different levels – that, for us, the cognitive part of our brains never shuts off when we listen to music. So while I get swayed by the emotions like anyone else, there’s another part of my brain that is always judging the song, checking to see if it is ‘singable’ or ‘performable’. Even at a concert, when I am absorbed in the music, a part of me is always thinking – “Is this person on-key? Is he on-rhythm? Can this song be replicated? Can it be done by me? What are my skill gaps if I need to sing this song?” And I come back and consciously search out any song that has caught my fancy to try to figure out how to sing it – even if I know I am never going to perform it in my life!

Honestly if we look at our reactions to music, we can never tell how we are going to react to any song. But we just go back to music everytime – to try to find ourselves, our aspirations, our feelings, our meaning in life. And therein lies the greatest power and unpredictability of music, that makes it so easy, yet so difficult to market.

CB Blog 1 - The Future of Music?

As a singer, and more importantly, as an avid music listener, the concept of how the mind reacts to music interests me greatly. Music is something that we all ‘consume’ pretty much all the time – we listen to music during daily activities such as driving or studying or just hanging around (I am listening to music even as I write this!). The need for music can be quite strong in some people – I can safely say that I qualify for an addict in this case and my iPod is one of the lifelines of my existence.

Keeping an ear open or accessing the Zamorin portal gives me a good idea of the widely varying music tastes of people even at IIMK. There are those are majorly into rock, those who love trance, those who can’t get enough of dance tracks, those who study classical music, those who listen only to Hindi soundtracks (or Tamil or whatever other language soundtracks for that matter)... and then there are those like me, who have a hotch-potch of songs and listen to whatever they want to when the mood takes them. The understanding of music also varies from person to person – whatever appeals to me need not appeal to the next person. I might be able to tell an ‘off-key’ or ‘off-beat’ note better than the next person, and that might make my discernment of music more thorough than him or her, which means that my preferences in music will also be very different from that other person.

So in this kind of varying ‘market’, how can one really determine what kind of music a person would like to listen to at any given point of time? What does this music really represent? How can we tell? How do we react to certain kinds of music?

Interestingly enough, there is a field called music psychology that actually tries to study these aspects, to see how we perceive music and how it affects us, how the actual process of music creation takes place, how the social and cultural environment around us affects our musical preferences and so on. It also tries to study how we as musicians perceive musical structures like melody, harmony, tempo, tone, pitch etc. It goes on to see how the musical behaviour and musical experience differs for people.

However the most interesting thing that I find about music psychology in today’s day and age is that, with the use of brain mapping technology and other such research techniques, it may be actually possible to identify and control the effects of music on the brain. The implications of this, especially for marketing, can be substantial. During our Consumer Behaviour class, we have already discussed how retailers use music to stimulate people in different ways – how the tempo of music in the shop at the time of purchase can make a difference in the moods of people. We have also seen how companies like Muzak are able to cash in on creating the right ‘music experience’ by providing customised music for organisations to improve employee performance and keep them ‘fresh’ throughout the day. Further to this, music could be used in sensory marketing, as part of products to give consumers the right ‘auditory’ experience, just like Kansei Engineering is able to do for the right ‘touch’ experience. And then we see the implications for something like music creation. The ability to string together the right combination of notes, beats, harmony and melody is something that we leave at the moment to the experts, to people who have the musical ‘ear’ and are able to create something original (or ‘inspired’!). In the future this need not be a domain restricted to just a few select people. Instead we could have special software or even musical instruments designed to help everyone create music.

But the biggest use that is foreseen for music psychology is that we could actually gauge the use of music as a healing method as some cultures already have suggested before. We usually listen to music when we are down, and the subsequent lifting of mood could be tailor-made and customised to suit our peculiar requirements at any point based on our peculiar brain patterns. Doctors might actually prescribe certain music for us to get well soon – so who knows! – we might have our own individualised Muzak, wired up to our iPods, personalised for our own needs! Maybe... some day...

Footnote: Some information has been taken from Wikipedia and a couple of other interesting sites which gave some basics of music psychology. And sorry for making the post so long!

It Must Have Been Love...

A song from the OST of Pretty Woman... I love it...

Lay a whisper on my pillow

Leave the winter on the ground

I wake up lonely, there's air of silence

In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away

It must have been love, but it's over now

It must have been good, but I lost it somehow

It must have been love, but it's over now

From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing, we're together

That I'm sheltered by your heart

But in and outside I've turned to water

Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day, I dream away

It must have been love, but it's over now

It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without

It must have been love but it's over now

It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love but it's over now

It must have been good, but I lost it somehow

It must have been love, but its over now

From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Yeah.. It must have been love, but it's over now

It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without

It must have been love but it's over now

Its where the water flows, its where the wind blows..

Rambling... Venting...

The one universal truth that stands out among all others - we all want and need to be accepted. And liked as well. And we just end up doing things that make us acceptable or likeable to people, forgetting who we are inside, what we are, and staying true to that person. It should not matter to others how I am, or what I am, or what I think or do or say unless I am hurting them in any way. In the same way, the other person's opinion or thoughts should not matter to me. Unless they are hurting me. I find more and more that people are cruel. And I am guilty of that too. People are cruel to others around them, they are cruel to people who they consider their enemies, and crueler to people they consider their friends. The worst is the way people play on insecurities to get what they want. Why do we always want and need more than people are willing to offer us?  We all do this - this playing power games... more and more as we grow older, our relationships seem to be determined by these power games that we are willing to play at every stage to try to get something that we want. It makes me sick. And people continue doing it. I continue doing it too. This is not how our lives should be. Defined by these stupid meaningless boundaries of what is acceptable to people, and how to mould people to think that way or get people to think your way. I want to be above this. I want to be freed from these inane acceptabilities. I am happy being me. And I don't need others who don't know me at all to try to define what, who or how I should be. And that's the bottom line.

Home

I miss home awfully sometimes. In the night, when it's dark out and my playlist plays "Main Gaoon Tum So Jao", or "Dhire Se Aaja", or "Aankhon Mein Kya Jee", all I can do is think of home. And it breaks my heart that I am not there, with them. I need them in my life. At all points. I love them so much.

I can't write more on this. I really can't or I'll just break down more. All I can say is "Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa toh nahin... tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi toh nahin...". 

Turning Points...

I have read a lot about a concept called 'The Tipping Point' in a book of the same name by a really good writer called Malcolm Gladwell. I have come to such a point in my life now I think. It's not so much as a point where change occurs, more like a place where if I don't change the path of my life, I'll go mad. I know that I have written a lot about how IIMK has changed me and all that, but I never thought that change could be like this. I know that it hurts a lot when you cut off a part of yourself and try to become a person who's so completely different from who you are - but then when a lot of things that you hold to be true or self-evident change, you have to change with them. And there's no alternative to that.

So I guess change is the way to go. And yes, it's hard. And it hurts. But then I have done it before. I have dealt with the repercussions of decisions I have made before. And I have lived to tell the tale. Thank God for some friends in the world. They are the anchors of the world I inhabit I guess. But survival doesn't seem to teach me much. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. And that's the biggest problem I have as a person who's emotional. I know that I can say I will never make these mistakes again - till the next time. And the next time it will be the same. Blindly trusting, blindly walking into the fire till you're charred beyond recognition. I know that Arians have this characteristic, but still! There has GOT to be an easier way to learn in life than this.

25 Random Things About Me...

This is straight from Facebook, where you're supposed to write 25 random things about yourself and then tag people who will then proceed to write 25 things about themselves and so on... I'm copy-pasting my note from there...

1. I love writing about myself. 

2. I love going on walks on moonlit nights... by myself. I love time by myself, because that's when I feel like I am really communing with myself. And also gives me time to indulge in fantasies or planning out books that I am probably never going to write in my life... 

3. I gave up on coffee because I was too addicted. I do indulge from time to time though. 

4. I don't drink but I get very high on music. Ask anyone who watches me dance at parties. 

5. I blog but I don't advertise it. I blog for 'nirmal anand'. 

6. I have wanted to be in an IIM since my Class 10. The only reason was because my dad told me at that time that the IIMs had open book exams. I thought they were a brilliant concept! That's been my only goal pretty much through my life so far. So now that I've achieved it I need a new goal! 

7. I honestly think of myself more as a tomboy than as a girl. I love jewellery, I love dressing up,but there's one part of me that still thinks of me as part of the 'boys gang'. Hangover from childhood I guess. I've always been better friends with boys than girls since I was a little kid. I think my dad finds that weird for some reason. 

8. I think my ideal job would be as a film critic. I love to watch movies, I love to write, I love to give my opinions. It's perfect. 

9. I scored an ENTP on my MBTI. That's the same as Akil. Apparently the chances of two siblings getting the same score are extremely remote. I guess we're exceptional in more ways than we thought. 

10. I think music is the answer to every ill that plagues the world. And it is the most universal thing in the world. I say I associate with music from the time my mom was pregnant with me (like Abhimanyu in the Mahabharata!). Apparently I used to kick her everytime she used to sing. 

11. I tend to over-analyse and over-think. I keep thinking about what I did yesterday, what happened today, what he/she said, what it actually meant, did it actually mean more than what it seemed - and am I over-reacting to something that is actually pretty simple etc etc till I drive myself mad. 

12. I am straight. It might not seem that way at times, but I am. I am also very fickle. I fall in love with every second guy I see on TV. I even find the lion from Chronicles of Narnia hot! :O 

13. I love computer games. I think shooting games help you relieve your stress, NFS and Road Rash help build your reflexes, AOE and FIFA Manager make you think, Hidden Object games build your concentration and Sims is around only for time pass, but is so awesome! 

14. I confess, I love romances. I love it when the hero and heroine end up together. And when the book is over I go, "Awww, that's so sweet. But they are so different. I bet it won't last". That's when the cynic in me overrides the romantic. 

15. I am a mass of contradictions. That's obvious from the point above. I am also capable of being highly childish one second, and highly mature the next. I can be quite the selfish brat at one point, and a caring concerned soul the next. And then there's also the tomboy vs the girly-girl. My computer files are usually the best organised, my room is an ABSOLUTE mess. Sometimes I think I have multiple personality disorder. Sometimes I am convinced that is so. 

16. I don't believe in love at first sight. It's bullshit to say you love somebody you see for the first time. Come on, you don't know their name, or anything about them, or whether you'll be compatible, but you know you want to spend your life with them?! Please! I think most marriages fail because of this kind of romantic notion of love. It's more important to build a relationship and sustain it. 

17. I believe in something that I call 'click' though. While you might not fall in love at first sight, I believe you can 'click' with someone at first sight... well, maybe not sight, but first time you speak to them. First conversations with people - any person - are the most interesting thing. 

18. There are few things in the world that are as good as chocolate. For anything. When you're feeling down, when you're feeling out, when you're happy, when you're hungry, when you just feel nothing but want to do something for the heck of it... just have a chocolate. 

19. I am in a relationship. With my iPod. I love the darn thing. I don't feel like going anywhere without it. I carry it around like a baby. I can't stop listening to it. Sometimes I wake up in the night, look at it and smile. I know, I am crazy. 

20. I cry at movies. Especially SRK ones. I still cry everytime I see Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, but I think Kal Ho Naa Ho is my favourite crying jag. I think that movie is awesome. Everytime Aman goes running to the bridge and hugs Naina and tells her "main tumse pyar nahin karta", something inside me snaps. I can cry for hours after watching that movie. 

21. I also cry at happy times. I have cried everytime Michael Schumacher won a Championship since 2000. I cry during episodes of Friends - the one where Monica and Chandler propose to each other, the last one when Ross and Rachel finally get together... I love Friends. It's the most brilliant show in the world. 

22. I love TV. Especially my TV at home (in case I haven't bragged about it to you, it's 40 inch LCD with a home theatre system). I can watch TV for hours and hours together. I even like Hindi serials. Especially to poke fun at them (though I used to take them very seriously at one point). I can switch channels at an amazing speed. My mom and dad both hate that. 

23. I love Europe more than the US. I've always been fascinated by the amount of history and culture that Europe has - France, Italy, England, Greece, Spain, Scandinavia... I think it might stem from the amount of reading I do. Or the fact that I love history. Or that I played AOE a LOT when I was a kid. :P I was pleasantly surprised by the US when I went there though - especially Washington. But the most enduring memory of the US for me from that trip is the first morning I was there. I walked out onto the road in Detroit and it was absolutely gorgeous. Quiet, peaceful, green... lovely. I wouldn't mind living in the US at some point in my life. But Akil claims it's got more to do with the fact that they have dishwashers there rather than any deep appreciation of beauty. That might actually be true. :P 

24. I am highly impatient and impulsive. I usually don't think things through before saying them. Sometimes that is STUPID as hell. But I can't get over it. I also can't wait to do things that I REALLY want to do. It's like "I want to do it NOW!!!". That's probably the Arian in me. I am a complete hardcore Arian actually. Reading Linda Goodman's Sun Signs about Aries was like reading about my life. 

25. I have never started so many sentences with 'I' before in my life! Makes me feel like a complete narcissist. I have also never been so random in my life - though I am at all times extremely random. This was good fun though. Hope people who I tag actually write something too.

Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le

Got through foreign exchange. I'm going to Sweden!!!

On a sober note though... one more song from Sadma as I listen to it... So much meaning it's always had for me... It's not the most apt thing right now... but a blog with song lyrics without this would be really unimaginable for me...

Music: Ilayaraja

Lyrics: Gulzar

Singer: Suresh Wadkar

Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le...

Humne Bhi Tere Har Ek Gham Ko Gale Se Lagaya Hai... Hai Na

Humne Bahane Se... Chhupke Zamane Se... 

Palkon Ke Parde Mein Ghar Bhar Liya...

Tera Sahara Mil Gaya Hai Zindagi...

Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le...

Humne Bhi Tere Har Ek Gham Ko Gale Se Lagaya Hai... Hai Na

Chhota Sa Saya Tha... Aankhon Mein Aaya Tha

Humne Do Boondon Se Man Bhar Liya

Humko Kinara Mil Gaya Hai Zindagi

Aye Zindagi Gale Laga Le...

Humne Bhi Tere Har Ek Gham Ko Gale Se Lagaya Hai... Hai Na

Sapnon Se Bhare Naina...

I'm back... consecutive days! Some kind of record for me!

Today it's all about the kind of things that make you go... What If.

I have a lot of what ifs in my life. For various things. Many of them are really small things like what if I hadn't bought tons of food in Reliance Fresh or what if I had not drunk that whole bottle of 7-Up at the NC today.

But some of them are life-changing. What if I had done better at college. What if I had got through A, B or C (though I am VERY happy I am here!). Today's recurring theme has been what if I got better grades in Term I. Something completely unexpected happened - I am eligible for foreign exchange. At the end of the first term I never thought that was possible. Then second term happened. I have no words for second term. Because I wouldn't know what to say. Suffice to say it turned out to be something I never imagined in my life it would be - a life-changing experience. Summers. Grades. And now because of it, an outside chance of foreign exchange. IN EUROPE.

And now I have this huge what if of first term. What was I even doing then?! If I don't get to go on this, I'll have no one but myself to blame.

The worst part? I was thinking I won't go... but now I REALLY want to go. And there begins the cycle again. Of what ifs.

Song from Luck By Chance again that I fell in love with. Beautiful music and poignant lyrics. And again, AMAZING singing by Shankar Mahadevan.

Music: Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy

Lyrics: Javed Akhtar

Singer: Shankar Mahadevan

Bagiya Bagiya Balak Bhage, Titli Phir Bhi Haath Na Lage

Is Pagle Ko Kaun Bataye, Dhoond Raha Jo Tu Jag Mein 

Koi Jo Paaye To, Man Mein Hi Paaye

Sapnon Se Bhare Naina, To Neend Hai Na Chaina

Aise Dagar Koi Agar Jo Apnaye

Har Raah Ke Woh Anth Pe Raste Hi Paaye

Dhoop Ka Rasta Jo Pehle Jalaye

Mod To Aaye Chaaon Na Aaye

Rahi Jo Chalta Hai Chalta Hi Jaaye

Koi Nahi Hai Jo Kahin Use Samjhaye

Sapnon Se Bhare Naina, To Neend Hai Na Chaina

Door Hi Se Sagar Jise Har Koi Maane 

Pani Hai Woh Ya Reth Hai Yeh Kaun Jaane

Jaise Ke Din Se Rain Alag Hai

Sukh Hai Alag Hai Aur Chain Alag Hai

Par Yeh Jo Dekhe Woh Nain Alag Hai

Chain To Hai Apna Sukh Hai Paraye

Sapnon Se Bhare Naina, To Neend Hai Na Chaina

O Rahi Re...

I'm sitting and studying and listening to music as usual. And I heard this song from Luck By Chance. I was struck by how it just made so much sense. I always talk about choices in life and about what Dumbledore says in Chamber of Secrets about how your choices determine what happens in your life. This film, Luck By Chance, is about that too. The choices you make. And how they change your life forever. And when I heard this song, I was just struck anew by how true it is - your choices make you. I've made certain choices - and everyday I make more of them. Each day, each hour, each minute, each second. And not all of them are good choices, not all of them are choices which I would be proud of, looking back at them. But all of them were, are and will be important. Because they also go into defining who am I and what I do or what I become. And more than remembering them - it's about not forgetting them.

Here are the lyrics of the song...

Music: Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy

Lyrics: Javed Akhtar

Singer: Shankar Mahadevan

Jaad Uthe Hain Raaste, O Rahi Tere Waaste...

Teri Zindagi.. Tujhse Har Ghadi.. Aur Har Kadam.. Hai Yeh Poochhti..

Rahi Dekh Raha Hai Tu Kya, Har Har Disha Hai Raasta..

Bol Tera Hai Kaun Sa Rasta, Rahi Re O Rahi Re

Kisi Ko Nahi Hai Pata, Rahi Re O Rahi Re, Kahan Jaa Raha Hai Bata

Ek Raasta Kaaton Ka Hai, Ik Rasta Phool Ka

Tujhpe Hai Kaun Se Tu Raaste Ko Chune

Ek Raasta Hai Soch Ka, Ik Rasta Bhul Ka

Tujhpe Hai Tera Dil Ab Kya Kahe Kya Sune

Hoga Tera Hi Yeh Faisla, Hai Sochana Ya Bhulana..

Bol Tera Hai Kaun Sa Rasta Rahi Re O Rahi Re

Kisi Ko Nahi Hai Pata, Rahi Re O Rahi Re, Kahan Jaa Raha Hai Bata

Aasaniyan Mil Sakati Hai Tujhko Zamaane Se

Par Zara Yeh Bata Jeena Hai Kya Yoon Tujhe

Azadiyan Tu Payega Khud Ko Hi Paane Se

Phir Bata Koi Darr Mehsus Ho Kyun Tujhe

Hoga Tera Hi Yeh Faisla, Aasaniyan Azadiyan..

Bol Tera Hai Kaun Sa Rasta

Rahi Re O Rahi Re, Kisi Ko Nahi Hai Pata

Rahi Re O Rahi Re, Kahan Jaa Raha Hai Bata