Sometimes the smallest things can become the biggest memories that you carry with you. As time goes by here and I look back at everything - I just keep thinking about the amount of time I wasted on things which were not worth it. And I feel like I have wasted SO much. There is so much I could have done. People I could have spent so much more time with, if I had just realised who they were and what they are. And I still don't know them, still don't understand them. I just know that they are important in my life - and I will always carry memories of them - small memories which are so special, larger memories, but most of all the memory of the fact that I didn't get to do all the things I wanted to do or that I planned to do with them.
I just want more time. I feel like it's just slipping away from me. And life is so unpredictable, it can change in an instant. I wish I could just go back and capture those moments when I thought I could have chosen one path and chose the other. And now I wish I had chosen the first one. Wish that the time was not running out on me like this. That we all didn't have other things and commitments that we had to live with. And that I could just gaze into a crystal ball and know what lay ahead of me in the future.
I am scared. I am scared to let go. People think I am strong, but I am not. I am an emotional wreck. And I am paranoid. Mostly about losing my friends. About being alone - or worse, lonely. And that's how I feel at times. Alone. And lonely. Even among people. I feel sometimes like I can't wait to get away from here. And at other times, I am scared. To lose people and friends. To lose this lovely place and the sunrise every morning that I get to see. And I know it's going away. People are going to go away. I feel like the upcoming 2 weeks are going to be so long. What am I going to do when it comes to going away forever?
I had time before. I didn't use it right. Didn't recognise the things I should have recognised before - the people I wanted to be with, the things I wanted to do. Didn't recognise the feelings I should have had, the kind of time I wasted over things which were unnecessary and unimportant. But this is important to me. I am tired of being lost. Tired of being dependent and addicted to things which I feel are beyond my control. Of being desperate and upset. And of time slipping through my fingers at the wrong time...
